Hot Air Balloon

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

Romney Jokes on Obama in Iowa

Mitt Romney told this joke while campaigning for Republican Senate candidate Joni Ernst in Iowa:

President Obama went to the bank to cash a check and he didn’t have his ID. And the teller said you’ve got to prove who you are. 

He said, “How should I do that?” She said the other day Phil Mickelson came in, he didn’t have his ID but he set up a little cup on the ground, took a golf ball, putted it right into that cup. So they knew it was Phil Mickelson. They cashed his check. 

Then Andre Agassi came in and he didn’t have his ID either. So he put a little target on the wall, took a tennis ball and racket and hit the target first time. We knew that was Andre Agassi so we cashed his check. 

So she said to Obama, “Is there anything you can do to prove who you are?” He said, “I don’t have a clue.” 

The bank teller said, “Well, Mr. President, do you want your money in small or large bills?”

Vermont and the Devil

A man dies and finds himself standing in line in a large room with bunch of people that have also died. He sees God and the Devil working their way down the line. God selects someone from the line and he's escorted to an stairway glowing with Heavenly light. The Devil selects someone and he's dumped down a chute to the fires below.

Every so often the Devil takes someone out of line and tosses him onto a pile of other people, like firewood. The man's curiosity finally gets the better of him and he asks:

--"Excuse me, Mr. Satan. I hate to bother you, but I have a question."

The Devil gives him an evil glare and replies:

--"What's your question? Hurry up, I'm falling behind!"

The man gulps and asks:

--"Why do you sometimes take people out of line and throw them on a pile rather than down the chute to Hell?"

The Devil responds:

--"That's because the ones on the pile are from Vermont and they're too cold and wet to burn."

MORE: big spike

A Little Vermont Humor

Back in the day of regular train travel, two older ladies rode every Saturday from Burlington to Boston. They'd nod at each another, but sat in separate cars and never spoke. On a particular Saturday, when the train was crowded, they happened to sit together. One lady says to the other:

I've seen you ride this train every Saturday afternoon to Boston and I've always wondered what you do in Boston?

Replies the other:

Why, I go into Boston to get scrod, because I can't get it in Burlington.

To which the first lady responds:

You know, I've been a schoolteacher for 30 years and I never knew what the past tense of that verb was.

FROM: big spike

Heaven and Hell Joke

What's the difference between heaven and hell? In heaven all the policemen are British, the chefs are French, the car mechanics German, the lovers Italian, and everything's run by the Swiss.

In hell, however, the policemen are German, the cooks are British, the car mechanics are French, the lovers Swiss, and everything's run by the Italians.

I liked this joke so much I wrote a whole play about it.

"One Before Last"

When Nixon visited Moscow, he and Khrushchev ran around the Kremlin in a race. Nixon came in first. Soviet media reported the results . .

In the international running competition the General Secretary of the Communist Party took the honorable second place. Mister Nixon came in one before last.

"Morning or Afternoon?"

Ivan paid the required 5,000 rubles in advance for an automobile, and the factory representative informed him that it would be delivered in exactly ten years to the day.

--"Will that be in the morning or the afternoon?" asked Ivan.
--"How could that possibly matter?" asked the factory representative.  "We're talking ten years from now."
--"Well, you see" replied Ivan "the plumber comes that afternoon."

RUSSIAN JOKE: The Line to Shoot Gorbachev

Just after Mikhail Gorbachev placed restrictions on the sale of vodka in the former Soviet Union, Ivan and Serge were standing in line to buy a bottle or two.


After waiting several hours, Ivan finally says to his friend:  "This is ridiculous.  We've been waiting forever to buy vodka and we haven't moved a single step.  I'm going to go shoot Gorbachev."


His friend replies:  "Good.  You go shoot Gorbachev.  I'll save your place in line.  By the time you get back things should be moving a little faster."

Ivan goes off to shoot Gorbachev, but he returns in 45 minutes.  Serge says:  "Back so soon?  Surely it takes longer than that to shoot Gorbachev."

Ivan shrugs and says:  "It turns out the line to shoot Gorbachev was longer than the line for buying vodka, so I decided to come right back."